I worked 11 hours today.

I had a buddhist professor tell me that he had been studying the philosophy for over forty years and was just now starting to feel like he was getting it.  So, the rhetorical question is this...  how many times have you had that?  I mean, that feeling of "I get it!"  I have experienced that so many times - drug induced and in my normal waking consciousness, which is the equivalent to a drug induced state for the normal person.  I'm not normal.  My mind isn't normal, and I have trained it to be that way.

I remember feeling like I had lost all of my brilliance.  I lost my smarts along the way until I read some diaries from the stupid age of 14...  The age of where I felt I was the most brilliant.  I was a shit head and felt brilliant because I was manic.  Anyone that has tried cocaine knows what this is like.

So, I worked 11 hours today and I usually work in silence to my own thoughts.  If my mind is focused on an idea then I can live a week in those hours that make up part of a day.  If my mind is lackidasical without a care, then I can live 4 hours in my 8 hours of work.  Funny how that happens, how your mind can take a vacation and you miss so much.  Clarity is gone and the leaves start to lose their distinct shapes and sizes.  And the trees... My god the trees don't have individuality because a tree is a tree and the colors and shapes blend together where nothing is distinct.  Somnambulism is the result of living in a world of beliefs.  All those preconceived leaves are the same.  You've all seen it before.

I guess you could say that I meditate and cogitate, these two being totally opposites of one another.  I can be with thought and without thought.  And this brings me to another point my buddhist professor acknowledged, "Meditation allows the conscious mind to slow down and stop.  This is when the barrier between the conscious and unconscious mind is permeable.  This is when shit rises to the surface.  Its not uncommon for someone at a meditation retreat to have to be hospitalized during or after..." 

And, sometimes with my in depth thought I am lost in wonder as to if any of the burly construction workers I see ever fuck one another in the porter john when I'm not looking.

I would like to take this time to show appreciation to my sister for encouraging me to pursue a career in the porn industry.  Also, her most marvelous advice, "You should grudge fuck her..." 

Thats pure honesty you can't buy these days.